Where do I go from here? 

So it’s been a bit since I’ve been able to write. Things have been continuing to move along whether I’ve been ready for it or not. My week of isolation is over as is my radioiodide treatment. The horrid diet is done as well. Technically, as far as I am aware I’m done with my treatment. The last pet scan was on the 17th. I was told it would be 3-5 days before I got any results. I haven’t heard anything from the doctor. I am taking this as no news is good news, assuming that they would call if there was anything abnormal. I need to call them but I’m scared to. I mean technically as far as I am aware I’m done with everything. But I have so many emotions about everything I’ve experienced. I just don’t know what to do with everything. I’ve started the Sythroid finally. It’s getting in my system and it’s helping me feel better but I’m not quite 100% yet. Still get tired pretty easily and still having some brain fog but it’s so much better than it was. Things are improving but I just don’t know how to process all of this. I still feel emotional if I think about going into surgery. How does one deal with spending so many months on high alert? It feels like it’s just been one thing after another. We took a hard hit this weekend. Our much loved kitty Ashke went over the rainbow bridge at the ripe age of 14. It was really unexpected. He’d been kinda sick and not himself. But my wife took him to the vet Friday. We thought maybe he had some upper respiratory crud. Wrong wrong so wrong. He had a tumor in his lungs. There was nothing we or anyone else could do. And now he’s gone. And I hate it. Almost exactly a year since we lost his brother. God it sucks. I just don’t know what to do with all of this emotion. I think that i will probably keep writing for a bit yet. I have to do something with all these emotions. I just don’t know how to process all of this. 


Heavy heart hypo

I feel as though today is frustrating. It has not been a fun couple of days being hypothyroid. Not that it’s ever particularly fun, but it’s been extra hard these last few days. I’m on antibiotics for a possible sinus infection that never really went away this winter and I feel like I’ve been snoring a lot and not sleeping well and feeling really cloggy. And my wife thought it was the being hypo just that but I really felt like it was more than that so when I went to yet another doctors appointment this week I asked them about it and she said my nose looked pretty rough so add another pill to the mix. And I don’t know if it was that or being hypo or what but I had to leave work on Friday I was so brain fogged I just couldn’t concentrate. And I realized that I had been doing something fairly important and I didn’t really remember doing it. So that’s no good and I told my boss that I didn’t feel right and I’d like to go home and my coworker told me she said you don’t look good and I said I really don’t feel good today. So I was supposed to work the weekend and that didn’t end up happening either they actually were able to find someone which was nothing short of miraculous considering when I looked no one was willing to speak up. So yesterday I tried to rest a lot. We mostly just sat on the couch and watched movies. Our brand-new dryer is not working right so we are going to have to call a repair man hopefully they can get it done before I have to explain yes go fix it and I’m gonna stand on the other side of the room so that I can see but you aren’t exposed to my radiation because that’s gonna be fun. 

I feel like the title of my blog today reflects dealing with my friends and family lately. Because I am frequently the person who is there for people. I am the person who people often go to for advice or for a shoulder or for whatever and I’ve noticed that it has happened less since I’ve been sick, people trying not to stress me out.  Which is both good and bad because in some ways yes less stress but in other ways it makes me worry because everything makes me worry about people and I don’t want to let anyone down. But lately I feel like people are struggling with dealing with me being sick. Not like they resent me or they don’t understand or something I don’t know, something like that but more like they’re scared and they don’t know how to handle it or what to do. And normally this would be something that they’d come to me and be like I don’t know how to handle this I don’t know how to deal with this or what to do with this can you help me? And it sucks because in this case the answer is no because this is my illness and I don’t know what to do. I have a couple of people who have said that they feel like they’ve been shitty friends because they don’t talk to me about my illness because they don’t know what to say or because they’re scared and I assured them or tried to that I don’t feel like they are crappy friends because they haven’t talked to me about it. Because after a certain point what do you say? How are you feeling? Tired, shitty, bored, scared, exhausted, impatient, frustrated, all the things and I still have cancer by the way. And in some cases I know all it does is make people feel helpless because they want to help and what can they do? You know people say if there’s anything you need and I know we have people who mean it and if they were here especially some family members,  if they were closer they would be here all the time and be on my butt and be you know wanting to know what was going on all the time and in some ways I appreciate that they are not closer physically because some days I just can’t take that. Some days everyone grates on me no matter how much I love them because I just want it all to go away. I feel like people are expecting me to have this huge sense of release or relief when the treatment or radiation or whatever you want to call it is over and I’m not sure that I’m going to feel like that. Because what I really want to hear is that the cancer is all gone and I don’t think that they get to say that my understanding is until I’ve had five years of clear scans. Five years is a very long time. And I think what they’ll probably be able to tell me is that my cancer is in remission which would be fantastic but isn’t really what I want to hear I guess. I’m trying to figure out something to do to make a marker or a I don’t know like a touchstone in my life to symbolize before and after or something. I’m looking at tattoos, which is something I have always wanted and I don’t have any and if ever there was a life event that called for a tattoo I think this could be it but I can’t find anything that I really like because a lot of the designs are very very feminine which there’s nothing wrong with that. However it’s not very me it’s very hearts and butterflies because butterflies are one of the symbols of thyroid cancer which is totally understandable but I don’t want a butterfly. Or heart or something like that. I have some song lyrics that I think I’d like to include somehow but I’m not sure and I just don’t know if there’s a way to toughen up a butterfly.  Especially since that’s not what happened my butterfly isn’t tougher it’s simply gone and I wouldn’t want something like a bloody something or you know what I mean there’s so many different styles of tattoos and things like that and I’m just searching right now. I’ve jokingly told our friends that I want like a party or a trip or something after everything is over to celebrate and be able to relax or something like that especially with this diet and no chocolate, which is just damn sacrilege if you ask me. What I would really love to do and we don’t really have the money for right now but is to maybe kind of almost like redo our honeymoon. It’s a lot colder up north now than it was in November and I wouldn’t want to go right now but when we went on our honeymoon the cancer, it was there and it sucked and we both knew that I would go back to work for like a week and a half and then it was time for surgery and so it wasn’t as relaxing as I would’ve liked,  I guess. Our wedding was beautiful and amazing and wonderful and the honeymoon was amazing and wonderful but you know there was almost this kind of shadow in the background of our honeymoon. I think probably because we had more time to think about it. The wedding day shone so brightly and was filled with people we loved and so busy that you can’t hardly breathe and just insanity and awesomeness. But once we were away from everyone it was easy for your thoughts to wander to sadder things whether I wanted them to or not. So I guess maybe I’d like a honeymoon part two minus the cancer that would be nice. I’m not sure where end today’s blog I guess if you are a friend or family member of mine who reads this please know that I appreciate everything that you do and have done for me. I love you all so much and I could never begin to say thank you for everything that you’ve done for us. ❤