Long lost but not forgotten

So this used to be a blog dedicated to cooking, sort of. It was mostly a way when we lived in the South for me to try and get out of my own head and not feel quite so isolated. Being six hundred miles away from nearly everything and everyone you know and love can do that to you. It was sort of fun. But I’m not sure that I am a creative enough cook to have a followable blog. I am certainly not dedicated enough for the endless pictures and wordy snippets that I always had to scroll through when searching online for a recipe. Your life is interesting to a point but only in so far as it relates to the food. Don’t tell me a story just to tell it, there are writing blogs if you yearn to tell a tale. Sorry if that’s a little harsh and sarcastic, I have an amazing friend who is trying to find her way back to writing and it’s amazing. Hers are stories however that are in the guise of stories, not stories in the guise of recipes or vice versa. So once again I apologize if this is rough edged, I am finding myself a little rubbed raw lately. The last six months or so have been, well I guess I’m not sure that I could find one word to describe it all. Amazing, overwhelming, painful, terrifying, joyful and awful all frequently at the same time. In September, I believe it was specifically September 12, 2016, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. A lot has happened over the last few months and I just need a place to put some of my thoughts. Some days it seems like there are so many and my head is so full that they all just spill over and usually out of my eyeballs in the form of tears. I am so tired of crying all the time. So I don’t know if this is particularly productive or if it will make a difference but what the hell. 

So, the big C. So much fear with one word. Cancer. Six letters of pain. It has been awful. These last few months. In a time that should have been super joyful as my wife and I just finally got married after nearly 15 years together there was a shadow lurker who was most certainly not invited but came anyway. We were so close when we found out that we just didn’t want to put it off. We had been waiting so long. It was an amazing wonderful day and maybe sometime I’ll talk about it but not right now. Suffice it to say we did not let it ruin our day. Though the day may have been a bit more emotional for everyone who knew about my diagnosis. I had surgery about two weeks after the wedding to remove my thyroid gland and some of my lymph nodes in order for them to remove the nodule and most, if not all of the cancer. It was the day before thanksgiving. It all went well. It was terrifying. All I wanted to do was scream and cry like a kid but I sort of locked that part of myself away because as much as I wanted to do that it wouldn’t make any difference in my illness, but surgery would. All the drs and nurses were relatively good. But hospitals are not very restful places so I was glad to go home. Our friends came in shifts to bring us thanksgiving dinner and to be able to see with their own eyes that I was exhausted but ok. It was adorable and touching. There have been high points. Our one friend brought me flowers, cheesecake and whiskey after we found out. Which I thought was amazing and adorable and funny. I guess all this is sort of a summary of the last few months. I might go back and talk about some of those days at some point. I’m not sure. It depends on what I need I guess. That sort of brings us to the right now. Right now I am off my thyroid meds as I wait for my hormone levels to be high enough for them to do the preliminary scan and this weekend we are going to start the diet to prepare for the ablation (r.e. radiation). It’s not like the chemo and radation you see in the movies or on tv. Mine should be shorter and not so intense, at least that is how it appears and what i am hoping for. I had a blood test this week that didn’t have the answers that we needed so basically every thing has been pushed back a week. I hate waiting. Waiting is the suck. Some days the tension from all of it makes it hard to put one foot in front of the other. This is where a lot of people would place some trite “just keep swimming” crap. I am trying to keep walking. But sometimes i have to hit pause and regroup. Pause.